I realized a few months ago I no longer feel sexy or even have the need to look attractive. I have no compulsion to dress fashionably or even have the pieces match. As a result my entire wardrobe can easily fit into two suitcases.
I haven’t worn high heels in five years and the one tube of lipstick I still possess has lint on it. There is no mirror on the ceiling or even in the bedroom for that matter. Most importantly, I no longer feel that terrible longing to be completed by a man. What a relief!
I married and divorced in my twenties and never remarried. There was always something out of sync. If it was the right guy, it was the wrong time; if it was the right time, it was the wrong guy.
As a result there were all those years of always going alone to family or business functions. All those years of meeting men and wondering “Is he the ONE?” All those years of feeling the need to be pretty, to be sexy, to be attractive – and feeling that I didn’t quite measure up.
Happily, those days are over now and I finally feel whole. What common sense and years of self-work could not achieve, age has accomplished effortlessly.
Once I saw a picture of old Sicilian women wearing black dresses sitting quietly on wooden chairs outside their doors and I pitied them for their limited lives. Now I understand. Those black dresses were their way showing the world they were no longer competing. The only role they were still playing was old crone.
I think I can do that. I don’t have any dresses but I do have a lot of black sweat pants and t- shirts. Plus, I have a chair on the patio from which I can observe passers by and make snide remarks in my head while I say the rosary.
Not to mention I now look the part. I have wrinkles in the strangest places and most of those periodically have wild hairs. I wear ugly nun shoes and take a nap every day. I have become a victim of gravity and what doesn’t droop, sways
There is a season for everything and this is the time of letting go. I am alone but rarely lonely. I want less and have more. I am both male and female and yet neither. Life is good and time a gift.